How We Talk About Ourselves Matters

In episode 160 of The Empowered and Embodied Show, Kim Romain and Louise Neil kick things off with a playful conversation about last names—and before they know it, they’re deep in the heart of what it really means to name, claim, and embody who we are.

Together, they explore how the way we introduce ourselves, our chosen labels, and even our casual answers to “Tell me about yourself” shape more than just conversation, they shape how we see ourselves and move through the world.

Through personal stories, Human Design reflections, and a lot of heartfelt honesty, they invite us to look at the deeper needs that live underneath our titles, roles, and expectations, and how honoring those needs helps us live and lead more authentically.

"You don’t have to explain who you are to be worthy of being seen for who you are." — Kim Romain

"Real leadership isn’t about running up the hill first—it’s about guiding with wisdom and presence." — Louise Neil

Key Takeaways:

• How names, titles, and first impressions weave into our identity
• Why understanding your true needs is essential to authenticity
• The difference between honoring needs vs. being labeled "needy"
• How Human Design can reveal patterns of doubt, confusion, and wisdom
• What it looks like to move from role-based identity to soul-based expression

Key Moments:

00:00 — Intro and welcome

00:50 — Exploring identities

03:13 — Identity, marriage, and the names we choose

05:00 — Open centers in Human Design and the pull of doubt and confusion

08:34 — The difference between wants and needs—and why it matters

12:34 — Needs are about fulfillment, not lack

15:32 — Unpacking the old wounds around being “too needy”

18:07 — Learning to name what fills us—and asking for it with courage

20:34 — Guiding vs. leading—reclaiming different forms of leadership

27:50 — How Human Design shapes how we hold space and show up

30:26 — Seeing yourself through someone else's eyes—and letting it land

34:29 — Letting go of performance to reconnect with belonging

36:30 — Final reflections on walking into the world as yourself

Join a circle of changemakers committed to leading with purpose, presence and ease inside Kim's Rising Visionaries community and mentorship program.

Reclaim your career and confidence during midlife through Louise's Rise & Redefine program.

If you’re loving this show, come check out the Feminist Podcasters Collective, where creators like us are uplifting diverse voices and driving meaningful change. If you’re looking for new shows to fill your feed, head to feministpods.com to explore everything we have to offer.

Transcript

The Empowered and Embodied Show

Episode 160: How We Talk About Ourselves Matters
Hosts: Kim Romain & Louise Neil
Release Date: May 20, 2025

Kim Romain (00:50):
Hello, hello, hello, everybody. Welcome back to another episode of The Empowered and Embodied Show. I am one of your co-hosts, Kim Romain, joined as always by my other lovely co-host...

Louise Neil (01:01):
That's me, Louise. Louise Neil. You say Kim Romain, I say Louise. It's so weird.

Kim Romain (01:07):
Why is that weird?

Louise Neil (01:09):
I don't know. Why do you say Kim Romain? You just say, "I'm Kim."

Kim Romain (01:12):
I've always been—well, not always—it’s my married name, but because I'm, you know, one of those women who chose to take my husband's name... I did not need to. I like the sound of it. Kim Romain is my identity. I really like the sound of my name. My maiden name was Matlon. My previously married last name was Lusk.

Louise Neil (01:38):
You said that with so much love in your heart.

Kim Romain (01:42):
Couldn't get rid of that name fast enough. Couldn't get rid of either of them fast enough, actually. I was not a fan of either of those names. And then here comes my lovely husband with a beautiful last name that I really like—and it goes so beautifully with my first name. I'm like, I am Kim Romain.

Louise Neil (01:47):
Really? Nice. Hmm, interesting. I've always had the same last name, regardless of my marital status or relationship status. Although Louise Neil is who I am, I'm pretty much just... Louise.

Kim Romain (02:20):
How often do you meet another Louise?

Louise Neil (02:22):
Not very often. Although this last year, I met two wonderful Louises, and it's been kind of cool to be in that space because—the more Louises, the better, if you ask me. But yeah, it's fairly unique. It's a very old-timey name. Like, I always felt like I was a granny with a name like Louise.

Kim Romain (02:47):
Maybe that's it. Because there was always another Kim in the classroom with me growing up. But I don't remember them ever using our last names—just the last initial. I don't know... But I do know that for me, taking on the persona that came with my husband’s last name—it's my last name now. And even if—though I don't foresee the relationship not lasting—even if that were to happen, like, I love the name enough that I would keep it.

Louise Neil (03:18):
But Danny, if you're listening here, you're safe.

Kim Romain (03:31):
Yeah. So yeah, I didn't love my maiden name, and I didn't love my first married name. I took that one just to lose my maiden name. But when we're talking about all this, it’s the heart of what we wanted to explore today: how do we talk about ourselves? It starts even with how we introduce ourselves.

Louise Neil (03:52):
Yeah. Our identity—and what we’re putting out into the world—often starts with our name.

Kim Romain (04:04):
Yeah. So it may have sounded like we were just having a random conversation—which we were—but we really wanted to explore this idea of where we find ourselves in how we identify ourselves, how we talk about ourselves. And this came up from a conversation where I was really struggling. I’m going to go to Human Design for a second.

So, open Head, open Ajna—for those of you who know what I'm talking about. A lot of openness in the head. And a lot of thoughts constantly filtering in. The challenge that I have with that is also tied to my purpose in the world—it deals with two of the gates in this open head. And those two gates, in their shadow form, are known as Doubt and Confusion.

So for me, if my gift in the world comes from the lessons that I learn, I constantly go back to this place of doubt and confusion. I filter things through that—and then I come through with wisdom. Yay! But to get to that place of wisdom, there's a whole lot of What the fuck is going on? and questioning myself.

I often question: Am I working toward my purpose? Am I working toward a bigger vision? What is my vision? Do I need to refine that vision? I go back to that a lot.

And we were talking about that earlier—and thought it would be a fascinating conversation. So Louise, for you...

Has that ever been a struggle for you—to define who you are? To say something about your identity?

Louise Neil (06:07):
Yes. Mostly yes.
That was a very closed-ended question!

Kim Romain (06:13):
Great, next question.
Laughs Great interviewing technique!

Louise Neil (06:19):
My struggle often with identity is figuring out how am I identifying myself as myself—not just in relation to something else.
I'm a mom—that’s my relationship with my kiddo. I'm a partner. I'm a coach. I'm a business owner.

These things that I use to identify who I am are often external. And so finding my own language to say, No, who am I outside of any relationship to anything else in my life? That’s been the struggle.

And I think it’s a struggle for a lot of us. Because that's often how we've grown up—always being somebody’s something.

Kim Romain (07:37):
Yeah.

And as you were saying that, I was thinking about how I talk to our daughter. I'm always reminding her:
 Yes, you are my daughter. And you are Daddy’s daughter. But you are also your own person. What's important to you?

And I know my mom definitely wanted me to be the strong, independent woman. She instilled in me these ideals: think for yourself, know what you like, know what you want.

And yet—it also feels very surface-level, right? Like:
 Do I like this job? Do I like this person?
It’s still external.

Louise Neil (08:33):
Yeah.

Kim Romain (08:34):
And recently, I've been noodling on this idea of want versus need.

I can easily ask for what I want. But what I've recognized is—I have a hard time asking for what I need.
 Because I have a hard time identifying what I truly need.

And I think that's part of what we're talking about today. Because needs are purely internal.

Who I am—and what I need as a sovereign human—isn’t based on anyone else. It's not based on being a mom, or a wife, or a coach. It's internal.

Louise Neil (09:24):
So how do you put that out into the world then? When you're walking into a room and being yourself—being authentic—that starts with knowing what you need.
And we don’t talk about needs.

Kim Romain (09:27):
No.
An authentic need—like, not "I need your help" or "I need a million dollars."
Do you? Why that number?

Louise Neil (09:51):
Yeah, not like “I need your help”… or maybe!
Sure, give me a million dollars and I’ll be happy to let you know.

Kim Romain (10:08):
Yeah! Anybody listening, if you'd like to give us each a million, we’ll do the experiment and report back.
So what’s the question?

Louise Neil (10:12):
The question is… how do you take that inner knowing and put it out into the world?
How are you expressing it?

Kim Romain (10:30):
I don't know that I am—and I think that’s what’s so fascinating for me.

What I’ve recognized is I can very clearly identify what I want and what I don’t want. I’m quite vocal about it. I have no problem asking for what I want, or telling someone what I don’t.

But when I think about my authentic need… what do I need?
I don’t really know.

And that’s a very transparent, vulnerable truth:
 I don’t know what I need that isn’t already being met.

So… what would I even ask for?

Yeah. Whether I’m meeting that need or someone else is, I’m not feeling a missing piece.
But maybe that’s where the work is—getting clear on what those needs actually are… so I can understand what else I might want to ask for or bring into the world.

Because that creates a deeper understanding of how I show up in a space and say:
"This is who I am. This is what I do. And here’s what I need in return from this space."

Because I show up, I hold the space, I offer so much…
 But is my need being met? Probably.
 But let me be really clear about what that need even is.

Louise Neil (12:33):
Right, absolutely.

So… how this relates to me and my identity is that I have a need to be the guide.
That’s a deep part of who I am. I struggled with that for a long time because, you know… am I allowed to need that? Am I allowed to want that?

But the truth is—I thrive when I’m co-creating. I need to be of value on the journey, like a road trip.

I might not always be the driver. Sometimes I am, and I love it—because driver’s rules: I get to pick the music.
 But I always want to be the one who’s holding the map, pointing out the hiking trails, where to stop for snacks.
 I bring a lot of value to the road trip.

If I can’t do that—if I’m stuck working alone too long, or solving a problem in isolation—I don’t like it. It doesn’t feel good. It doesn’t move me forward.

And owning that as a need? That’s been a big part of my identity.
So now I just say: I am a guide. I own it. That’s who I am.

And if I can’t be that, then I’m not in the right room.

Kim Romain (14:05):
Do not “should” on Louise.

Louise Neil (14:27):
Exactly.
This is who I am in relationships. In work. At the grocery store. In my brand messaging.
It’s how I move through the world.

And that’s why how we talk about ourselves—and name our needs—is part of who we are. It’s not in relation to anyone else.
It’s from the inside out.

Kim Romain (15:11):
Yes! And the word you used—“needy”—that’s where so much of this gets distorted.

Like, in my first marriage… I was told I was “needy” because I expressed my needs.
 But I had needs that weren’t being met.

So expressing them made me “too much.”
 When really, I was just trying to feel whole—so I could be a whole partner.

Now? I pray that my partner—Danny, and you as my partner in this podcast, and all the people I hold space for—always feel safe naming what they need.

And that’s the experiment for me right now:
 What are my needs? Where am I not naming them clearly?

This conversation started in a book group—we’re working through Emergent Strategy by Adrienne Maree Brown.

And the book is so powerful. It's about regenerative sustainability, looking to nature to guide us.

One question we were asked was:
 Where are you able to clearly identify your needs?
 And then: Where are you able to get those needs met?

And I just sat there like… needle scratching off the record...
I couldn’t even identify them.

Clearly, I do have needs—but I think they’re either being met, or I’m not seeing them yet.
 And that? That’s my next layer of work.

Louise Neil (18:07):
Exactly.

And one way I see this in myself is knowing that I need to be a guide. That’s not optional—it’s core.
If I’m in a space where I can’t show up that way, I feel drained.

And once I truly owned that? It became part of how I introduce myself.
It’s in my brand messaging. It’s how I speak about what I do.

So now, when I walk into a room, I don’t shrink or over-explain. I own it.

It doesn’t matter if someone says, “But you’re never driving.”
 I’m like—don’t should on me. I know who I am.

Because I’ve done the work to understand what I need to feel fulfilled.
 And now I can name it and claim it.

Kim Romain (20:13):
And you are so designed that way.

We’ve talked about this in your Human Design—you are absolutely built to guide.
To be that gentle hand on the small of someone’s back saying:
Look—there’s something ahead. You don’t have to go that way. But I want you to see it.

You’re the one holding the lantern.
 You’re not forcing a path—you’re illuminating options.

That’s what I see in you.

Louise Neil (22:21):
Yes! And I’ve had that image too.
Like I’m walking across a foggy path and with every step, the fog lifts just enough to see the next stone.
And I’m doing that alongside someone.

That’s what I do with my clients.
 They don’t need me to pull them across.
 They just need someone to say, “Hey… I see what’s ahead. Let’s keep going.”

And that’s so much more powerful to me than being “the leader” in the traditional sense.

Kim Romain (23:55):
Exactly.

You’re leading from your role as a guide.

That’s real leadership.
 It’s not about running up the hill first. It’s about saying, “Here are the choices. What feels right to you?”

And that took me a long time to understand in my own journey too.

Yes—I can command a room. I can take charge. But I’m not designed to dominate.
I’m designed to hold the space.

To be the energetic anchor that helps everyone else rise.

That’s how I lead.

Louise Neil (25:17):
Right. But when we’re in corporate, patriarchal, bro-energy spaces, that kind of leadership isn’t always recognized.

And that disconnect? That’s where burnout starts.

Kim Romain (25:18):
Oh yeah. Been there.
I was always seen as a leader—but never treated like one.

Because my form of leadership didn’t look like charging ahead.
 It looked like listening. Holding. Creating coherence.

That’s not always rewarded. But it’s who I am.
 And I’ve stopped trying to force myself to lead in a way that isn’t aligned.

Louise Neil (27:50):
Exactly.

And when we each show up rooted in who we are...
 we create space for others to do the same.

So when someone asks, "Tell me about yourself..."
 we don’t have to reach for the right label.
 We just speak from truth.

Kim Romain (28:10):
Yes.

And when someone else reflects back to you who you are—and it lands?
 That's the most affirming thing in the world.

So yeah—how we talk about ourselves matters.
 Because how we talk about ourselves is how we honor ourselves.

Louise Neil (28:34):
Because you deeply know me. That’s why you can describe what I do in the world so clearly.

And finding the right language to help people understand what we do? It’s a struggle—because it’s not just about what we say.
 It’s about how it lands.
 And everyone’s filters—their experiences, their beliefs—that all shapes how they hear it.

When I’m in a room of like-minded people, it’s easy.
 But when I’m in spaces that feel less aligned, it gets harder.
 I want the message to land, but I find myself shrinking, second-guessing.

Especially in corporate spaces.

If you’ve never seen me before, I’ve got blue hair, I’m probably showing up in Docs... I’m not your typical corporate picture.
 But that doesn’t mean I don’t understand corporate.
 It just means I’m not going to play by those old rules.

And honestly? There are people in those spaces who think like us.
 They just don’t always look like us.

Kim Romain (30:26):
I feel that deeply.

And I lost track of how many times you said the word need during this conversation.
That’s what this whole thing is about—our need to connect.

But when we walk into rooms where connection feels hard to access,
 our first instinct is to shapeshift. Perform. Conform.

And I’ve been there too.

I spent years turning myself inside out trying to wear the right thing, say the right thing, fit the mold.
 And now? I just ask: Where is the ease?

Because when I ask that question, I usually drop all the performance... and just show up as me.
 And that’s always enough.

Louise Neil (36:30):
That’s what I want to underline.

When we started this podcast, we said we’d be in the messy middle right alongside everyone listening—and this conversation really shows that.

We’re doing the work.
 We’ve done some work.
 But we’re still doing the work.

And that doesn’t mean we don’t have something valuable to share.
 It just means we’re human. And honest.

So if you’ve ever felt unsure how to introduce yourself...
 if you’ve wrestled with the gap between who you are and how the world sees you...
 if you’ve ever struggled to name what you really need—

this conversation is for you.

Kim Romain (37:50):
Yeah.

And when I say, "I’m Kim Romain," I feel it.
I embody it.

You don’t need to know everything behind it.
 But I do.
And that’s what makes it powerful.

Louise Neil (38:05):
I love that.

Kim Romain (45:28):
So Louise, you mentioned pivoting in your business.
What do you have coming up that you want people to know about?

Louise Neil (45:37):
Yes!
I’m launching my Rise and Redefine program.

It’s all about the intersection of career shifts and menopause—where they collide, and how to navigate that wobble in the world.
 You can check that out in the show notes.

How about you, Kim?

Kim Romain (46:01):
I always have a million irons in the fire.
But Rising Visionaries continues to be my favorite place for community and grounding.

Also—I’ve been having some juicy conversations about the future of Strengthscape, the multi-modality tool I created that brings together Human Design, Gene Keys, MBTI, and more.

And I’m doing some powerful work with nonprofits around leadership and alignment.
 All the details are up on my website.

Louise Neil (46:42):
Love it.
Thank you for this today. I really loved this conversation.

Kim Romain (46:49):
Me too. Thank you.

And thank you, listener, for hanging out with us today.

Louise Neil (46:55):
Thanks everyone. Take care.

Kim Romain (46:58):
Bye.